We tend to believe others feel the way we feel—and if they don’t, they could if they tried. When they don’t, we assume they’re being difficult. In truth, we each come with our own unique wiring—our survival instincts—that shape how we act, especially when we’re stressed or threatened.

By the time we’re five or six, we develop a second layer of personality based on early influences. This becomes our perception of who we “ought to be” and what we “ought to do.” Often, this ideal is the opposite of what we observed in our parents. Since every child perceives differently, even siblings raised together will interpret their parents uniquely.

This leads us to assume our family members think like we do—explaining why misunderstandings at home often frustrate us more than those with strangers.

By around age fourteen, we settle into a third level: a negotiated peace between our emotional and “ought to” selves. Here we function at our best—like being on vacation, free from expectations, fully ourselves. Most people perform optimally in this state.

Unfortunately, most assessments lump these layers together. In reality, we shift between them moment by moment. The goal is to live mainly in our comfort level—meeting survival needs while honoring our deeper self

Our findings, based on over twenty years of assessments, show that understanding your wiring transforms how you view yourself and others. Once you recognize, “So that’s why I think like I do,” you begin to appreciate each person’s unique strengths. It’s not about better or worse—it’s about connection, empathy, and communication. When we understand others, relationships flourish. It becomes a true win-win.

Dr. Eric Berne, founder of Transactional Analysis and author of Games People Play (1964), identified three states of personality—the Child, Parent, and Adult—that explain how we operate day to day.

• The Child is our emotional self—the source of our feelings, needs, and instincts. It constantly asks, “What about me?” This inner voice drives behavior based on whether we feel our needs are being met.


• The Parent forms early—often by age six—based on the influences of parents and authority figures. It becomes our internal “rule book,” defining how we think we ought to behave and how we expect others to communicate with us.


• The Adult develops by adolescence, balancing the Child’s emotion with the Parent’s logic. It represents our most productive, authentic self—how we behave when comfortable and unpressured.

Understanding which state someone is operating from—especially under stress—offers invaluable insight for leaders and team members alike. Many candidates present their “Parent” persona in interviews—answering with what they believe they should say rather than what reflects their natural comfort zone.

Hiring the wrong personality fit costs far more than salary—it impacts morale, efficiency, and cohesion. The goal is to invest in personalities that balance and elevate one another, allowing every team member to perform at their best.

Each of us is born with emotional instincts that shape how we experience the world. Through interaction with family and peers, these instincts evolve into three complementary layers:

• Child – The emotional core; acts on feelings and desires.
• Parent – The rule-setter; defines what we “should” do.
• Adult – The integrator; balances both to form our most effective self.

Over time, this interplay defines not only how we react but also how we lead, learn, and communicate. Recognizing and harmonizing these layers leads to emotional maturity, self-awareness, and professional growth.

Understanding how people are wired leads to measurable gains—improved communication, stronger collaboration, and increased performance. When teams embrace their differences, they grow together.